Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Dear Canada: Fear me

Date: June 24 and 25
Mileage: 18.0 and 12.1
June mileage: 677.1
Temperature: 61 and 57

I'm trying to get myself pumped up for the 24 Hours of Light. So I thought ... what the heck? Why not engage in a little good, old-fashioned trash talk.

Dear mountain bikers of the Yukon,

You may not remember me. It was just a year ago I first visited your fine land, but I was forgettable back then - the chick with the knee braces and the squeaky full-suspension 26'er. I pumped out a respectable number of laps before midnight, then I ate some soup and crawled into a tent. Just another one of those girls that couldn't handle the full 24 hours, right?

Wrong. I'm coming back. And I'm bringing with me a full year's worth of healing, training, glucosomine and suffering. I'm bringing a full year's worth of technical riding improvement and a new 29'er that can roll over your puny interior-of-the-continent black spruce roots like they were brittle pencils. I'm bringing my healthy knees and rain-soaked Juneau conditioning and Iditarod-forged perspective on just how relatively pleasant 24-hour races really are. In short, I'm bringing my "A" game.

Plus, I am an American and we all have a bone to pick with you Canadians. Your dollar surpassed ours in value, which we are supremely unhappy about. You have that universal health care while we American athletes must routinely decide between physical therapy and food. Yes, we're sure there must be something we're better than you at. I know the answer: 24-hour races.

Why? Well, for one, we train in miles, which make your puny Canadian kilometers look like, well, like something that is a little more than a half mile. And we train in the land of (relatively) cheap gasoline, big cars and abundant off-road vehicles. We dodge Hummers and split trails with roaring ATVs. And, let me tell you, you haven't raced a mountain bike until you've tried to outrun a snowmobile. And don't underestimate our egos. We Americans always believe we're better at everything, even if we're really not. But in this game, believing is half the battle.

Yes, dear mountain bikers of the Yukon, I am coming up from my land of moss and rain to tear across your tundra with nothing to lose and nothing to prove - except that I'm here. And I'm ready. And I'm going to win. And into next year, you will remember me by my scorch marks.

You have been warned.

Sincerely, Jill from Juneau

59 comments:

  1. Love it! Make sure to bring your American flag wrapped apple pie as your nutrition and laugh in the face of the gu.

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  2. That's some talking for sure!

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  3. Quality smack talk, jill. Kick ass and take names.

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  4. Jill, obviously you've been hanging around Fatty too much lately, but I like the result!

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  5. Oh Snap!

    You are so going to dominate that race - ride on!

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  6. Dang Jill, I didn't know you could trash talk too!!

    You've come a long, long way in a year. For example, last year on your blog... "I definitely don’t have any expectations for myself because I didn’t train, didn’t plan, and haven't even healed completely from my injury(s)."

    And looking at your post race reflections..."I think I've figured out the perfect recipe for a unfailingly successful 24 hour race. First, bike like a maniac for 12 hours. Then party like a rock star for 12 hours. Seriously, you can't go wrong. Of course, Geoff thinks you should just bike like a maniac for 24 hours, net nearly 200 rough dirt miles and break the course record. But what does he know?"

    Well actually, Geoff seems downright prophetic after hearing your trash talk today! :-)

    Go Jill Go!!

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  7. just make sure you at least take the time to enjoy some well-deserved beers at the end. that'll provide some amount of balance!

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  8. VA Biker1:37 PM

    Hey, was that supposed to make me laugh out loud?

    Good luck! (Like you'd actually need it.)

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  9. Have some fun in Canada, Jill!

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  10. Love that choice between meals & physical therapy. Mine is Active Release or race entry. Enjoy yourself!

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  11. Hell Yeah! You go get some, or give them some! I don't care, just put the hammer down!

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  12. Good luck, Jill!
    We want a detailed report of this adventure, as soon as possible, please! I am very far away (Lisbon, Portugal) from Yukon, but I must disclose this extraordinary event with my visitors.
    Luís
    bikestrilhosetralhos.blogspot.com

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  13. Jill, you don't know me but I have been following your blog, my friend in AK turned me onto it. I have done the 24 hour of the Old Pueblo Solo here in Tucson AZ and from experience all you need is a tough mental attitude, and you got it! Kick some a$$. You turned me on to the GDR and now I want to do it. Hope to ride with you someday.
    Spring

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  14. Anonymous3:31 PM

    Girl, as a former Yukoner, I just have to say, watch out for those yukon women riders! They are tough, they are fearless and they don't put up with any guff!!! Have a blast, ride hard and maybe, while you are out there, think of Susan and Fatty, it will give you strength to push on!

    Nell

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  15. Canadian Roadie4:12 PM

    Haha, I actually laughed out loud while reading this. Bring it on! And, of course, good luck! Nell's right, you gotta watch out for those Yukon women!

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  16. Anonymous4:37 PM

    The Canadians don't stand a chance because they're too busy doing "other things".....

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-llwCUTdQM&NR=1

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  17. Anonymous4:47 PM

    Don't wanna be a Canadian idiot !.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_TfBbR6L0M&feature=related

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  18. Karen5:54 PM

    you go girl

    git r done

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  19. Best of luck Jill. Enjoy yourself and kick A$#! Looking forward to reading all about it.

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  20. Anonymous10:09 PM

    Good luck Jill!

    Clara

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  21. Mike from Canada10:15 PM

    Yah..... well..... our beer's better than yours !!!

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  22. best blog post i've ever read.

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  23. I dunno, Jill. You can sure talk, but us Canadians have one over on you - instead of your beloved Diet Pepsi, we've got Tim Horton's coffee, which I think was found to be laced with some drug or other. And that's not even counting the sugar-power of the beloved donut hole. You might want to ask about drug testing.

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  24. Anonymous6:36 AM

    Interesting Blog. Here you leave this other Blog I've visited this week.

    http://informaniaticos.blogspot.com

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  25. Sweet.

    Kick some butt!

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  26. Anonymous7:11 AM

    Go get em Jill!!!!! Put one down for the good old USA.

    Lazy Lowrydr

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  28. 24 hours of light,easy! Just love the summer when all is bright. No nights, just days between evenings and mornings... In the winter we got 24 hours nights... hello from finland! Ride on, or something...

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  29. hahaha, awesome.

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  30. Way to talk some smack - don't forget the eh!!!!

    Wait - who is going to do GDR updates with you out of country?

    Good luck Jill - you rock!

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  31. "....what SHE said !!"

    ...peace (except to the Canadians)

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  32. Ha, that was awesome trash talking. Makes me wish I had a decent/working mtn bike in addition to the roadie!!! Oh well, I'm working on my very own single-track in the bush as we speak, and I would love to take on the Jill-challenge next year!!! :)

    But I am easily distracted by beer, my one weakness, someone could hold a beer off to the side of the trail and I'd be done! (our beer IS better btw...)

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  33. you gotta get that hockey theme song that NBC just bought and play it in your pit!

    Go get em!

    Have fun!

    Kick some butt!

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  34. Hi! Like your blog. Keep on with that cycling thing. We got the 24-hour sun here in Finland too.
    It just keeps going in circles...
    I just love the bright nights, so I think I know what you're talking about.

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  36. HA! This made me laugh out loud - I hope you have an awesome time. But expect to be punished in the most important Canadian sport of all...drinking!

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  37. aaahhhh Jill - you are up against some faerie fairie fast women this year. I hope your training has prepared you to be smacked with oddly attached wing-like objects - I believe that sporting these will make our team so aerodynamic that no one will even see us on the trail. Ever....

    Welcome to the Yukon!

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  38. Um ..... Goodness! So unlike you! (I love it)

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  39. Haha. I get the impression you are kind of bored. You're going to do great up there of course. Next year...some big adventure...ride a bike from Nome to Greenland or something. First woman to cross the North Pole on a bike. First person to climb Everest on a bike? Maybe this work thing going a bit to the dogs is a sign for you that your time has come to do something HUGE - your adventure of your life so to speak - without the constraints of work.

    So I was checking back on my old blog. Looks like in '04 I did 22 laps. I thing the course has changed through, so you should find out how long that course was. Not sure if that was a course record, but I would think that's beatable. Git after it...records are made to be broken.

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  40. That's about the most awesome thing ever!

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  41. Anonymous11:40 AM

    Wow, what awful things to say about the Canadians....

    Bitter, party of one your table is ready......

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  42. Anonymous12:09 PM

    To Anonymous

    As a Canadian, I found Jill's letter hilarious! We Canadians are confident of our skills and have fantastic senses of humour, unlike some we care not to mention. If you cannot leave your name, you are a coward of the worst kind.

    Jill, have a blast and I know you will find the competition worthy!

    Nell
    Proud Yukoner and Proud Canadian :)

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  43. Anonymous12:10 PM

    What's the old saying..."Don't brag". You may have just jinxed yourself.

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  45. Jill, some of your previous attempts at humorous posts were not totally successful. It's not that you weren't funny, but you were subtle and it was a break from your norm and we weren't totally sure we should be giggling. Well, with no notable exceptions, we got it this time. And it was beyond giggles, it was wonderful toe tingling kind of funny.

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  46. jill, you are the bomb! go do it! :) (your trash talkin' is pretty good!)

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  47. Anonymous5:56 PM

    Jill, I know you will inflict pain on your competitors that probably cannot be resolved by 30 million people paying into a collective government run medical plan. I know that no one motivated by the tunes of Rush, Bryan Adams, or the Barenaked Ladies will be able to pass you. And lastly, I know that no one fueled by Molson or Labatts Blue will be able to out carb you. Rock on...

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  48. Aaron.7:08 PM

    I'm Canadian. To that I say hah! Ahahahaha! That's funny!
    Good one, Jill. Getting yourself all worked up into a lather, isn't that what it's really for? 24 hour racing is so fun. We're going to have a blast in Canmore in 28 days, hope you have a great time in the Yukon tomorrow. BTW, I don't understand the allure of night riding when there really is no night. 24 hours Canmore is a month later this year than last which means more darkness - yes!

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  49. Jill...you crack me up. Awesome post.

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  50. Sierra6:18 PM

    Wow - had I read the smack talk before, I would have totally abandoned my team and gone head-to-head with you in a vicious 24 hour race to the death!

    Just you wait - next year, you are going down. I may need to carry a bike pump to jam into your wheel, but I'm willing to do what it takes.

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  51. Anonymous9:53 AM

    Has anyone heard anything about the launch of The Ski Channel? The last I heard it was suppose to launch in the Fall.

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  52. HAHAHA that is so funny! good luck this year! Love the post!

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  53. HAHAAHA that is funny. good trash talking, love the post.
    Good luck this summer!

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